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pouring my heart out tonight!

Tonibones10 said:
Aaaawww thank you hun that's so nice of you, I'm here if you want to chat about anything too, this place is brilliant for opening up and being 100% honest truthful and not being judged there are not many people who know that much about me so to have people finally know and not hate me feels great! If you have a story to tell and noone to tell it I'd defo advise you to do it here everyone is amazing on here! Xxx

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Yeah everyone I've spoke to is great with me, glad u feel u cab open up hun it will be good for u to talk openly about ur past with people. Do u receive counselling at all? I'm going to start I diary on here from as early as I can remember to now and continue it through my journey to the new me :) xxx
 
HoPe*87* said:
Yeah everyone I've spoke to is great with me, glad u feel u cab open up hun it will be good for u to talk openly about ur past with people. Do u receive counselling at all? I'm going to start I diary on here from as early as I can remember to now and continue it through my journey to the new me :) xxx
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I just started one today and I'm going to print it all off next year and keep it as a kind of book to look back on and to let anyone borrow if they want to if I know anyone in the future having this op xxx

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Think I should have made this my diary? Cos this is the start of my journey! Hhhmmm ooooppsss xxx

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Toni my darlin
I am sat here with tears streaming down my face. What a horrible journey you've had. You are a beautiful person inside and out. One I proudly claim as my friend. I understand where you are coming from my past isn't so great either and like you I tried to destroy myself to end the pain and food became my ONLY friend...in the end it was a horrible friend though. I went through cbt last year (after my 4th suicide attempt). and I came to realise the person I see in the mirror is a wonderful person. I have compassion for others and would do anything for them just to see them smile. At the end of the day what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and darlin we are both survivors. Hold your head up and don't let your past define your future. You will still have down days (everyone does and if you didn't the happy days wouldn't be so fabulous). Listen to me giving sound advice...I sure have grown in the last year lol. I love you girl you are BEAUTIFUL and the world would be a lot more empty without you!!! I mean it... stay strong because one day I'm going to be brave enough to meet you and I'm looking forward to it.
love you lots
 
Toni, you really are an amazing person. I can't believe the things you have gone through and still have a smile on your face and continue to encourage others. Your mom would be so incredibly proud of you!! I was lucky to have a wonderful childhood and great family. I have been through some pretty bad things as an adult though. I know it can be hard sometimes to hold your head high. You are such an inspiration to me. I can't wait to see your journey unfold. Your young life has an amazing and bright future. I'm so excited for you and I'm glad you're my friend! Love you girl.
 
VikiB said:
Toni my darlin
I am sat here with tears streaming down my face. What a horrible journey you've had. You are a beautiful person inside and out. One I proudly claim as my friend. I understand where you are coming from my past isn't so great either and like you I tried to destroy myself to end the pain and food became my ONLY friend...in the end it was a horrible friend though. I went through cbt last year (after my 4th suicide attempt). and I came to realise the person I see in the mirror is a wonderful person. I have compassion for others and would do anything for them just to see them smile. At the end of the day what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and darlin we are both survivors. Hold your head up and don't let your past define your future. You will still have down days (everyone does and if you didn't the happy days wouldn't be so fabulous). Listen to me giving sound advice...I sure have grown in the last year lol. I love you girl you are BEAUTIFUL and the world would be a lot more empty without you!!! I mean it... stay strong because one day I'm going to be brave enough to meet you and I'm looking forward to it.
love you lots
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Oh you sweet amazing wonderful lady thank you so much for that post its brightened my day up no end! You are such an inspiration and to meet you one day will be such a brilliant day, I think its mad how when I was going through all that I felt there is no way out so may as well be dead but the day I started to feel abit stronger (which for me was the day I got funding) I felt silly for feeling like I shouldn't be here, .... but I'd still be feeling like that if I hadn't been given this chance so I can't screw this up! i love you all so much you all give me so much hope help and inspiration so a huge thank you :):):):):):) Xxx

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Newmelani said:
Toni, you really are an amazing person. I can't believe the things you have gone through and still have a smile on your face and continue to encourage others. Your mom would be so incredibly proud of you!! I was lucky to have a wonderful childhood and great family. I have been through some pretty bad things as an adult though. I know it can be hard sometimes to hold your head high. You are such an inspiration to me. I can't wait to see your journey unfold. Your young life has an amazing and bright future. I'm so excited for you and I'm glad you're my friend! Love you girl.
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In my head I blocked out the nas times and saw the good, my mum was an alcoholic as well but I don't know that until I was about 16 somehow even though I had been told ... that's why my SIS basically brought us up though another thing that happened that I didn't know was my mum and dad disappeared and my sis was put in care for 9 months I don't know how all this happened and I just don't remember any of it :S so I wander round grinning cos I forget! :D sometimes I'm glad of that instill I get flash backs that I don't understand Haha ..... thank you so much I'm so proud to know you love you too and thank you for inspiring me :D xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Toni ur an inspiration hun!! As you know from my diary ive been through somethings to please feel free to pm me if u ever want a chat or to vent how ir feeling. It doesn't matter where u write everyone reads everything anyway lol, I'd love for is all to meet up one day that would be great :) :) xxxx
 
HoPe*87* said:
Toni ur an inspiration hun!! As you know from my diary ive been through somethings to please feel free to pm me if u ever want a chat or to vent how ir feeling. It doesn't matter where u write everyone reads everything anyway lol, I'd love for is all to meet up one day that would be great :) :) xxxx
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Thank you so much you are such an inspiration to me and I'm here for you too, .... it would be great if we all could 1 day I'd love it! :D thanks for being there honey xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Toni I was gang raped at 13. Drank, taken drugs tried killing myself so many times. It's taken me a hell of a long time to get to where I am in my life now. It does get easier. I can't leave the house unless I have taken my happy pills. Stay strong. This year is our year xxx
 
nikshikari said:
Toni I was gang raped at 13. Drank, taken drugs tried killing myself so many times. It's taken me a hell of a long time to get to where I am in my life now. It does get easier. I can't leave the house unless I have taken my happy pills. Stay strong. This year is our year xxx
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Bloody hell love I'm glad your getting there hun and yea this is our year! And we will get there hun :D thank you for telling me that! Im sorry you had to go through that! Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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I read through everyones diarys and see people have remembered a lot of there life till now, is it normal that I can't remember anything before 10 years old the I can't remember much between then and about 2 years ago? .... a lot of things in my story are what family and friends have told me, hhhmmm .... why don't I remember I may have had a lot of rubbish but I feel like I haven't because I don't remember most of it! That's why I walk round like nothin bad has happened to me cos I forget! :S is that normal? Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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I don't remember much from my childhood either hunni , just one vivid memory .
Some people remember , some don't .
It maybe your minds way of coping with bad stuff , protecting you by not letting you remember xx
 
At least I know its not just me lol suddenly thought I was going crazy lol xxx

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Tonibones10 said:
I read through everyones diarys and see people have remembered a lot of there life till now, is it normal that I can't remember anything before 10 years old the I can't remember much between then and about 2 years ago? .... a lot of things in my story are what family and friends have told me, hhhmmm .... why don't I remember I may have had a lot of rubbish but I feel like I haven't because I don't remember most of it! That's why I walk round like nothin bad has happened to me cos I forget! :S is that normal? Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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This is completely normal!!! I was the same the only reason I have remembered most of my history is because I had to due to the court case I've just been through. I had to have counselling to help me! I think when bad things happen u put them in a box in the back of ur mind and sort them away somewhere. My first police interview was unreal I just said I don't know through the whole thing!! I cudnt remember because I didn't want to then a realised to get justice I needed to remember so I had to try to remember and with a lot of hard work I have somethings, bit still have massive parts of my life blocked out. Now the case is over I'm currently on dealing with wot I have remembered and putting them back in the boxes :) I'l get there one day and so will u!! Xxxx
 
Thanks honey, I hope your ok sweetheart I've only ever had counselling 1ce but it was for my depression and I gave up after 5 sessions cos she was rubbish and never helped me to talk so she put me off! Never thought of doing it again but I keep getting flash backs that I don't understand so I don't know if it would be worth tryin again :S xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Tonibones10 said:
Thanks honey, I hope your ok sweetheart I've only ever had counselling 1ce but it was for my depression and I gave up after 5 sessions cos she was rubbish and never helped me to talk so she put me off! Never thought of doing it again but I keep getting flash backs that I don't understand so I don't know if it would be worth tryin again :S xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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It is defiantly worth trying Hun! My counsellor is fab I wudnt be here talking to u now if it wasn't for her she has helped me loads!! Even supported me with this wls as they wanted me to go to see a psychiatrist but I told them I had a councillor so she wrote me a letter and they let me off without seeing a psychiatrist xxx
 
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