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The not-so-secret diary of Mel B - Aged 39 and three quarters.
- Thread starter mellyb28
- Start date
mellyb28
Size 16 - yay!
Morning, it's been yonks since I've updated on here as I've kept away for a while. I was feeling very low in November, tired all the time, sad, etc etc. Anyway, I had some tests and what have you and there was nothing physically wrong with me and I was diagnosed with depression. I have been trying to do things since then to make myself feel better and one of those things (rightly or wrongly) was to not get so hung up on my weight and obsess about what I was eating. So, I put away the scales for a while and didn't come on here for a bit. One of the reasons I have got depressed is, like so many people, I am really hard on myself all the time. I've convinced myself over the years that 'I'm not good enough' at whatever it might be and these last few months at work especially I've had to deal with a bullying boss who I had allowed to make me feel like that all over again. Then I would come on here and read stories about how amazingly some people are doing and I would think to myself, 'i can't even lose weight properly, even after a band, I'm a failure' etc etc, so I took a step back.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself again now and now I understand better that I'm not a failure, it's just that everyone's different! I realised that there are actually a lot of people on here who are perhaps having the same struggles as me and that maybe we could help each other. If all there are on here were the lovely happy stories about how easy it was to lose weight with a band it could be misleading. Don't get me wrong, I know 100% that if I hadn't had my band I would not have lost nearly 4 stone in a year and for that reason I am eternally thankful. Despite everything I'm only a pound heavier than when I last recorded my weight on here so no harm done.
Anyways I want this to be a positive post, I've been in a darkish place and I now feel like I'm coming out of that place so I'm ready to get back on with my weight loss journey and start shedding a bit more in anticipation of the rest of 2012. Bring it on!!
Anyway, I'm starting to feel a bit more like myself again now and now I understand better that I'm not a failure, it's just that everyone's different! I realised that there are actually a lot of people on here who are perhaps having the same struggles as me and that maybe we could help each other. If all there are on here were the lovely happy stories about how easy it was to lose weight with a band it could be misleading. Don't get me wrong, I know 100% that if I hadn't had my band I would not have lost nearly 4 stone in a year and for that reason I am eternally thankful. Despite everything I'm only a pound heavier than when I last recorded my weight on here so no harm done.
Anyways I want this to be a positive post, I've been in a darkish place and I now feel like I'm coming out of that place so I'm ready to get back on with my weight loss journey and start shedding a bit more in anticipation of the rest of 2012. Bring it on!!
JO28172
Active Member
Well done you xx lovely heartfelt post and I'm sure many can relate to it, but the good news is the reality that this is no easy ride we are on and takes alot of hard work. So for all the success stories you read, think about what's behind it!! A lot of us slogging away, going without etc etc. welcome back xx
Well done Mel for returning and being so honest. Whether you have a band or other form of bariatric surgery the journey can be hard. It is not stumbling along the path that denotes failure, it is when you fail to pick yourself up and carry on. Never think of yourself as a failure. You have the courage to carry on and persevere which shows you're a fighter and therefore a winner.
Sophie 124
New Member
Welcome back!
Congratulations on your 4 stone weight loss! That really is a lot of weight if you think about it properly. I'd be thrilled if I could lose that much in a year.
It's great that more banders are coming back and yes, hopefully we can all help each other.
Xxx
Congratulations on your 4 stone weight loss! That really is a lot of weight if you think about it properly. I'd be thrilled if I could lose that much in a year.
It's great that more banders are coming back and yes, hopefully we can all help each other.
Xxx
Welcome back Mel. I am I'm tears, as I can relate to you. I always and still feel useless and not good enough for anything. I keep thinking I don't see what my OH sees in me. My boss is a bully and has been for 3 years! Yesterday she told me that I should dress smarter and nicer if want to be taken seriously!!! I don't buy nice clothes or expensive one because can never stay the same size. I went from 16 down to 14 up to 20 in 18 months and that was prior to surgery. Anyway spent the day shopping and it felt good in s way to know I fit into size 16 comfortably, even bought a dress size 14 to aim for but also reminded me how far I still have to go to compete with other work colleagues. It's sucks and get you down. Sorry for using ur diary but I really want for all of us banders to be here for each other. We are so few on here.
mellyb28
Size 16 - yay!
Thank you Mis. I too have had problems for years with being umpteen different sizes and at one point had clothes in about 4 different sizes secreted around the house. Fortunately I think I've always dressed for work as smartly as I can, mainly because I felt I was so frumpy and unattractive that I had to make MORE of an effort than my colleagues! It will be so nice when we get to our goal weights and can buy some lovely new clothes in whatever size we are at that point and know that they will fit us until WE decide we don't want to wear them anymore!
I know it's easy for me to say it to others and less easy to accept my own advice but we ARE worth it and we deserve to be happy!
By the way I totally get the OH thing too, when my husband feels fruity I think there must be something wrong with him to actually fancy me! That's not healthy for a relationship though and is the next thing I need to work though, before the poor chap explodes!!! (sorry if TMI!)
Thanks everyone for your comments xx
I know it's easy for me to say it to others and less easy to accept my own advice but we ARE worth it and we deserve to be happy!
By the way I totally get the OH thing too, when my husband feels fruity I think there must be something wrong with him to actually fancy me! That's not healthy for a relationship though and is the next thing I need to work though, before the poor chap explodes!!! (sorry if TMI!)
Thanks everyone for your comments xx
flutterby1966
Well-Known Member
Mel, dont worry, you are human like the rest of us. Sometimes we cannot deal with more than one thing effectively at a time, sometimes we can. As you said we are all different. It took for me to beat my depression to be in the right place to decide that actually I was important and that is when I chose to go for the Band (after 2 years of indecision). Now I work with the Band and with focus it is seeming to work for me . Its sounds as though you are now emerging from the dark cloud of depression, and you can start putting your needs/desires first. GOOD LUCK and SMILE we are all on this journey with you XXX
flutterby1966
Well-Known Member
Its not easy when my OH is home. We eat out so often and he tries to ply me with alcohol. When he goes back to the states in approx 4 weeks time I will definitely find it easier. You are lucky tho ... your OH gets fruity ... mine just gets tired 
mellyb28
Size 16 - yay!
I've not posted anything on here for a while and have been struggling to lose any more weight BUT I've had a word with myself last weekend and said you've dilly-dallied long enough girl, now get on with it (I sound like I've come out of a Martina Cole book!) so since Monday I've been counting calories again and today when I weighed myself I've lost 4.5 pounds this week which is all of the amount I've regained in the last couple of months. I'm back to my lowest weight again and feeling nicely refocused!
I've re-read my diary from the beginning and it's made interesting reading (for me anyway) and I'm glad I started one as now I've got a record of progress, feelings, words of encouragement I had along the way etc so even though I haven't updated it in months I still think it's a good idea to have some form of a journal.
My next goal is to get into the 12 stone something bracket, which is only 4.5 pounds away so I hope to do that soon. My ultimate goal is to be at my target weight by the 1st October as I will need a defill at that point before I go on holiday to Egypt on the 6th October. I'd love to be a size 12/14 for my holiday and thereafter, I'm not looking to be below that size as I think that will suit me. Even in my younger, slimmer days I've always had a curvy figure, so I think anywhere between 11 and 12 stone will be about right for me, but I'll know more when I get there!
I've rambled on for long enough and I'm sure that this does not make for exciting reading for anyone else but I'm glad I finally got round to updating!
I've re-read my diary from the beginning and it's made interesting reading (for me anyway) and I'm glad I started one as now I've got a record of progress, feelings, words of encouragement I had along the way etc so even though I haven't updated it in months I still think it's a good idea to have some form of a journal.
My next goal is to get into the 12 stone something bracket, which is only 4.5 pounds away so I hope to do that soon. My ultimate goal is to be at my target weight by the 1st October as I will need a defill at that point before I go on holiday to Egypt on the 6th October. I'd love to be a size 12/14 for my holiday and thereafter, I'm not looking to be below that size as I think that will suit me. Even in my younger, slimmer days I've always had a curvy figure, so I think anywhere between 11 and 12 stone will be about right for me, but I'll know more when I get there!
I've rambled on for long enough and I'm sure that this does not make for exciting reading for anyone else but I'm glad I finally got round to updating!
JO28172
Active Member
Great loss mel! And welcome back! in the grand scheme of things you hadn't gained much so great it's off and you can continue counting down! have you been told you need a defill for Egypt as thought we only had them on long haul flights? I wasn't proposing to get one when I go to turkey which is 4hr...? x
mellyb28
Size 16 - yay!
Hi Jo & thanks for the kind words x
no I haven't been told I need a defill, it's a 5 hour flight so not exactly long or short! When we went to Egypt in Feb this year I had slightly less in my band and I definitely felt it tighten on the flight ( I couldn't eat a yoghurt for example!) so now I've got about another ml in I just want to have a bit taken out so I know I'll be comfortable. hopefully I'll be at goal by then too so I want my band to help me maintain my weight at this stage rather than help me lose a bit more if that makes sense. I think I'll be able to enjoy my hols a bit more that way. My band definitely restricts me drinking very much, especially if it's a cold drink. I'm hoping it's going to be really hot when we go so I'll want to make sure I keep the fluid intake up (plus the odd cocktail maybe!) So all I've got to do now is stick with the program for the next few months and I'll be laughing!
x x
no I haven't been told I need a defill, it's a 5 hour flight so not exactly long or short! When we went to Egypt in Feb this year I had slightly less in my band and I definitely felt it tighten on the flight ( I couldn't eat a yoghurt for example!) so now I've got about another ml in I just want to have a bit taken out so I know I'll be comfortable. hopefully I'll be at goal by then too so I want my band to help me maintain my weight at this stage rather than help me lose a bit more if that makes sense. I think I'll be able to enjoy my hols a bit more that way. My band definitely restricts me drinking very much, especially if it's a cold drink. I'm hoping it's going to be really hot when we go so I'll want to make sure I keep the fluid intake up (plus the odd cocktail maybe!) So all I've got to do now is stick with the program for the next few months and I'll be laughing!
x x
flutterby1966
Well-Known Member
Your goal is in sight mel. Just think what you achieved this week through focus and determination. Enjoy the journey to your destination :grouphugg:
