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What Am I Doing...? Ahh wait, I remember.

EighteenStoneGirl

New Member
Right now, I am 4 weeks and 2 days pre-op. I'll get banded in the second week of April and I feel like up until this moment, just right now... I've been wanting to be banded for the wrong reasons (mostly vanity and thinking in a few years I'll be this smoking hot skinny girl who can pull all the lads).

But truth be told I've been fat my whole life, and if you asked me over the course of the last thirty years I'd give you a hundred reasons on why I need this operation. However since I actually booked and paid for my op, my out look on it had started to become a little conceited.

But today it's as if fate wanted me to remember it ALL.

The moment you walk up the hill, a hill that average sized people take for granted and walk up without barely breaking a sweat. However the likes of me gets to the top and is sweating so many buckets I've soaked through my top and I can't breathe.

The moment you catch yourself in the mirror and feel physically sick. You can see your belly sag, your thick legs and your completely shapeless frame and all you want to do is hide.

The moment you see that attractive male friend of yours and realise he sees you as nothing more than the fun bubbly fat chick, and will NEVER see you as anything more than that.

The moment you see the guy you're crushing on... he yells out hi to you and waves, as does his extremely beautiful size 10 girlfriend.
... you then see his group of friends, and their girlfriends. All slim and beautiful as well of course.

The moment a guy from work asks your slim beautiful colleague (who is walking exactly the same way home as yourself) if she'd like a lift. But fails to bother asking you.
(I wonder why?)

The moment you're eating dinner with a bunch of people and someone makes that awkward "do you really need to be eating that?" comment?. Yes it's rude, and no you wouldn't say that to ANYBODY frankly, but because you're 18 stone, it cuts a little deeper than it would if you weighed half that.

The moment someone discusses that they have ailments like diabetes and hypertension and how difficult they are to deal with. Then you suddenly remember all the overweight people in your family have those exact same illnesses and chances are you're going to get them soon as well.


To be honest, even though most of the stuff that happened today sucked and I walked home with tears building up in my eyes. I'm glad they happened, because it reminded me why I'm doing this. It reminded me EXACTLY why I'm doing this... and it's not so that I can be a size 10 and look hot and pull all the lads (...although yes, that would be nice).

It's so that I can live my life the way I've wanted to live it for as long as I can remember. And frankly, living in this body a moment longer is simply unacceptable.
 
Fabulously written...... :)

We all have a hand dealt to us hun, it's up to us how we play it!

Good luck on your journey, look forward to hearing your updates x
 
Ahhh sweets.
I can identify with this. The way you describe yourself is how I am with myself. Just ask yourself one thing, would you talk to your friend the way you talk to yourself ( and I know its hard from possibly years of hating yourself but you have to learn to love you for you. I hope like me, this will come with weight loss . I struggle at times with accepting the way I look. Like I never see weight loss in myself. ( which is y I want to document all this )

Its good like you way this happened today to put in perspective what and why you are doing this but try to be kind to yourself . After all you are worth this

Keep positive and keep up the hill walks. Xxxx ((hug))
 
very well put and im sure many will get inspiration from it think everyone here has had days like that keep your chin up and remember you have a lot of supporters here who wish you well good luck and will check for updates
 
I soo get what your saying girl(friend!)!
the guys I like don't know im in the room and the guys that do like me I question them as too why they do thinking they are "chubby chasers" or doing it for a dare
and when I have meet someone nice I keep comparing myself to other women that they could be with
maddening eh!
 
Sounds EXACTLY like me Los in it!! I've struggled with men my entire life cos I think "hmm... what could he possibly see in me?". And it's ridiculous because I have so many happily married size 18+ friends and I'm constantly reassuring them. I wonder why I can't do this for myself?
 
having been married 3 times the first i was a size 12/14 when we met a size 26 when we split the 2nd i was big the whole time the 3rd i was a size 16 when we met and a 26 when we married 3 months later now a size 36 i hate it and im sure hubby does but there has to be something that some men do prefer bigger women same as some women prefer bigger men i think maybe its inbuilt in people if that makes sense
 
I met my fiancé a size 24, I've been down to a size 16 and after ten years back to a size 22 He obviously fancied me to stay with me this long lol he is my first real boyfriend and the father of my two perfect boys, I would always think I would never meet anyone , but I did :)
 
Amazingly put! I had a sleeve at the beginning of feb, and the whole time I thought it was my health that mattered most. I didn't want to get diabetes, or other weight related illnesses. But I also had days thinking 'but it's going to help a lot more than my health!' I've been big all my life, and only ever had one relationship. But when any other guy have seemed interested in me, I've always questioned their motives. Why do they like me? Why are they interested? Who's put them up to it? Etc.. I got to the point about 4 years ago, that my weight wasn't a problem personally for me, I was happy being who I was, even being obese. I was happy.. Then I hurt my back, and my depression started (again) and I put on more weight. I then started to feel disgusted in myself, and after feeling happy with who I was and the way I was, that hit hard. I don't care what people think of me for having the op, I had it for me, my health, and my life - to get it back and live life the way I deserve to live it, not alone and unable to do so many things I want to do, but can't do while I'm so big.

If you're doing it for you, you're doing it for the right reason xxx
 
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